I’ve had some really hard days lately. I don’t know if it’s the fact that his birthday is right around the corner, or if it’s the pressure from the load I carry, or if it’s the stress of another divorce hearing fast approaching, but I’ve felt a hopelessness come and go with great intensity over these past two weeks. 
I’m trying to allow myself these moments of sadness without being overcome by them. It’s a tough balance.
When my baby smiles I am overcome with such joy and such turmoil all at once that I physically ache from within. She is the happiest baby I’ve ever known and I feel like I don’t deserve her sometimes, because I cannot give her more at the moment. I cannot give her a stress-free mommy. I wish I could.
Sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better to keep him around, to deal with his rage, wrath, and degradation. Maybe it would’ve been better than this? Than this mama who cannot smile without threatening the levees that hold back the tears. This mama who cannot balance cleaning the kitchen and getting her homework completed. This mama who, after a year alone and lots of therapy, still wishes there was a way to have her husband be the man he was in her illusions.
I’m allowing myself to miss him. I’m allowing myself to remember. 
I’m trying to allow the bad memories as well though, because I also need to remember why it was better to let him go.
This has been a hard year, but I’ve gotten through it. I’ve cried more than I thought I would, but that’s another thing I’ve allowed myself. I have every right to cry sometimes. I’m allowed to feel sad. I’m allowed to feel let down by my situation. I’m allowed to take a time out from my kids. I’m allowed to hire a babysitter. I’m allowed to keep loving the bands he introduced me to. I’m allowed to change my hair, wear makeup, and find myself attractive. I’m allowed to watch what I want, eat what I want, and go where I want to all without being punished.
I’m taken aback by my newly acquired freedoms. I went from living with my mother to one year of college dormitory life and then moved in with him. This is the first time in my entire life that I’ve been in complete control of my decision making.
It’s difficult, but I’m allowing myself to let go, and in that sense I am allowing myself to grow.
Sustainably Single Parenting 
There’s a lot of strength in this and I hoe this strength keeps you going x
Thank you! I hope so too 🙂
It may be a long road ahead but it is one that is worth it. I have been separated coming up on 4 years now, and there are still the occasional days where I wonder “is this what I wanted?” … But it is nice to be able to stand on my own, to make my own decisions, to not be yelled at or belittled or made to question every little thing I so much as think, never mind do. It does get easier… keep on keeping on, and remember to look back from time to time and measure just far you’ve come… 🙂
Congratulations on being strong for so long now! I cannot even imagine what life will be like in three more years…but maybe I should. I suppose I’ll be a lot more secure in myself and empowered by my progress. You’re so right. It’s much better to not be punished for being independent 🙂 So the journey continues!
Being real in front of your daughters and allowing yourself to experience the growing pains of becoming whole on your own is DEFINITELY better than the rage and degradation. Your life is like a flower that has been waiting your whole life to bloom, and from out here it is divine to watch you unfold. Keep on rocking that hair, that makeup and that individual sense of feminine strength and freedom! You are real, and that makes you very powerful. xox
🙂 Thank you. You’re right. It’s hard, but it’s for the better. I’d rather they see me struggle to make it right than to live the life I was living. I don’t want to teach them to accept such treatment. This IS better. I just have to keep telling myself that when I question my hardships. It WAS worse when I was with him. No matter my current difficulties.
You’re so sweet. I’ve begun with the hair, and I’ve mentally accepted the fact that I CAN wear makeup…but I’ve yet to use any, lol. Hey, gotta start somewhere though, no? 🙂
Your comment makes me feel so powerful! Thank you for the encouragement!!!
There will be some hard days. I struggled with accepting this as a fact. I remember being disappointed after leaving, that so many things were still going wrong. The difference is, I had the power to change things. It’s taking time. But I had no control while with him, my days and months were dependent on his moods and whims. Being a single mother of small children is difficult even without extenuating circumstances. I also went from home, dorm life, to marriage. It can be difficult to manage the transition, especially if someone else made your decisions. Ask yourself honestly, were you really able to be your best while with him? Were your children safe from mental and physical harm? If you are doing your best for your children now, you can’t possibly do more.
So true. Gone are the days when everything relies on whether or not he is going to flip out. Such a relief! And you’re right. Small children aren’t particularly easy for anyone to raise, even with support, a spouse, and financial stability. I’ve got to take it easy on myself and remember these things more frequently.
I certainly was NOT my best self with him. I was so broken, so scared, so hopeless, confused, and imprisoned by his wrath. And no, I wasn’t able to completely protect my children, and it left me feeling guilty and helpless after every one of his fits of rage 😦 It’s painful to remember these feelings, but I thank you for making that point. I AM doing my best for them now, and even though I wish I were better off financially so that I could spend more quality time with them, I’m doing the best I can, and that’s all I can ask of myself 🙂