Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

The Kid is Alright April 22, 2013

Last night we spent three hours in the emergency room.

Don’t worry. Everyone is alright. I debated about taking Terra, who’d cut her lip on our coffee table, for nearly an hour before making my decision to go. The cut wasn’t ghastly, but I used to work in an Emergency Room and gunshot wounds aren’t ghastly when I’m in the right frame of mind.

TerraLipTerra was fine. The big gash that appeared to go straight through her bottom lip turned out to be two unconnected cuts. The hour I spent debating, pacing, searching the internet for information on cut lips, and consulting friends for their opinions, Terra spent icing her lip, and wearing a makeshift butterfly bandage. By the time we saw the doctor there was nothing more they could do to improve her healing outcome.

What I was really looking for in that time before finally deciding to go to the hospital, was his opinion. I just wanted to hear him say, “She’ll be fine, don’t take her.” I wouldn’t have gone. I would’ve trusted his decision and I would’ve stayed home. But he isn’t here anymore.

It’s not a bad thing, that I have to finally fully rely on my maternal instincts, my own knowledge, and my own skill, but it is a learning process. I was so accustomed to having him here for the big decisions; the car problems, whether or not we’d vaccinate, the home maintenance, and the severity of injuries.

Being a single mother means he’ll no longer be here to manipulate my decision making, but he’s not here to validate me either. Sometimes it’s hard to not have his reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. I’m learning.

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Powerless October 8, 2012

Every month, every hearing I lose one week’s worth of sleep. From the days preceding the hearing to the days following I am incapable of focusing on anything but the fate of my husband. I worry for him, I wonder what will happen, I wind through a range of emotions. Fear is ever-present; an abundance of anxiety and tension. I try to relax by accepting that there is nothing I can do. There is no way to hurry through these stagnant periods to find out what the future holds.

The system will run its course, the lawyers will do their dances, the D.A. will push our case back to the depths of ItCanWait because of its insignificance to the community. And so I wait. Frantic, helpless, but hoping that this hearing will mean something different, that this one will possibly end my monthly torment, that something will come of it, or that they will dismiss it once and for all.

I will be steadfast and strong, but my determination to persevere does not quell the discomfort of being temporarily powerless.

I have no choices left but to wait patiently or to wait impatiently. I long to know something…anything. I cannot plan for my future. I do not understand the system’s structure and processes. I cannot find peace. The most I can do to get through this is to keep my mind off of it, but that feels like an injustice to my husband. I am still compelled to protect him, to put his importance ahead of my own. But I cannot protect him any longer. I do not know where he is or what he is doing or who he has replaced me with. I cannot determine whether he misses me or wants me dead. I do not know if he will ever speak to me again, and it kills me.

I am incapable of controlling this aspect of my life. I wear the weight from day-to-day and fight insomnia at night. I wait…constantly battling inside. I suffer…but I survive.