Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Maybe I’ll Cry Myself to Sleep November 12, 2012

It seems as though my get up and go has gotten tangled up in the struggle; my overwhelming list of things I need to accomplish.

When I say need I really mean NEED and not want.

I WANT to find a hairdresser and get my dead ends cut off; it has been over a year since a professional touched my hair and this pregnancy is not favoring the weeks that I go without washing. Washing natural African-American hair is time-consuming. I do not have time.

I WANT to sit down with my daughters and color. Play board games. Have tea parties and play dress up and do each others hair. I want to pull out the couch bed and pop popcorn and watch a silly animated movie.

But first I’d NEED to get the six loads of clean laundry off the couch and folded and into drawers. I need to run another load of dishes before we run out of spoons. I need to take a shower…not sure how long it has been. I need to do my schoolwork…

I NEED to sleep. But even on the weekends, when I should have more time for peace and should worry less because I don’t have to wake up at 5am to get everyone up and out the door on time for class, I cannot sleep. I have not been able to sleep properly since The Big Incident, but lately it is worse than ever. I sit around like a zombie, always tired, but never able to settle down. When I do sleep, I have these terribly vivid and horrific dreams. He is always in them. He is always in control.  Upon waking I feel like I have just finished the fight of my life. Sleeping is more exhausting than staying awake.

I feed and bathe my daughters. I read to them – we’ve recently read almost every book in the Skippyjon Jones series and the How Do Dinosaurs (do various things) series several times each. I take them to their appointments and therapy sessions and sports lessons and educational programs. They are the focus of all of my energy.

I have no energy for me. I NEED to focus on me, because she’s inside of me, my growing baby. I am now 28 weeks pregnant, and she is growing steadily, healthily, and I’m hoping she comes out nice and chubby. But still, I cannot find the energy: to sleep, to complete my grad school assignments, to rid myself of my preoccupation with my husband. Why should I care about him? Why should I give him the satisfaction? I’m almost certain he’s not thinking about me. He is probably already wooing some other woman. And why should I care if he is with somebody? He DOES NOT LOVE me! But I do care…and I do worry, and I am afraid that he has already replaced me, and it still hurts, even though he has hurt me.

I am not certain that I need to weep, but maybe that would help me. I hear that crying is healthy, but I’ve always considered it a sign of being weak. I hate that once I start crying I find it hard to stop; I hate the lingering headache, the animal noises that come along with crying fits; the wetness. I haven’t cried since The Big Incident; I’ve been too busy with making ends meet, taking care of my babies, and not utterly failing at life, but maybe I can find some time to weep this week. Yes…I’ll have to schedule in crying. Maybe I’ll cry myself to sleep.


Frankenstorm Frenzy October 29, 2012

I don’t know how bad things will be when Hurricane Sandy makes it to New England. From the multitude of weather forecasts, news updates , and tweets I’ve read regarding this “Frankenstorm”, I should at least be prepared.

This time last year we suffered a crazy snow storm; we went without power for five days. It wasn’t the longest time in my life that I’d been without power, but having recently moved to New England I was totally unprepared. Five tea lights, one dying flashlight, one half-charged cell phone, very little bottled water, undone chores, an old pack of matches and one lighter. It was bad.

If the girls and I get stuck inside this time we are going to be fine! We visited the library  on Saturday morning for a stockpile of Skippyjon Jones books, a couple of Playaway Views with children’s stories on them, and a few audiobooks for me. We went shopping Saturday night for flashlights, batteries, candles, lighters, water, and a car phone charger. Today I ran a load of dishes, washed and dried three loads of laundry, filled up the gas tank, and went shopping  for fruit and non-perishables.

The girls had a great time doing our Hurricane Prep Shopping. We got to talk about why we were purchasing each item and how we would handle the storm. They personalized their flashlights with decorative tape and stickers then stored them in easily accessible places. They helped me put new batteries in every flashlight, lantern, push-on light, CD player, radio, camera, and toy. They assisted me with gathering things for their Bug-Out bags (though I doubt we’ll need them, I wouldn’t want to be packing them when the water is already knee deep). They also insisted that we bake cookies, boil eggs, and pop popcorn this morning, just in case.

They’ve followed the forecasts excitedly awaiting Sandy and we wrapped up our prep by watching the videos in Sesame Street’s Hurricane Kit. I am glad that they feel confident we’ve made good choices with our preparations, and content with their level of anxiety. I guess now all there is to do is wait and see. We’ll be waiting, and we’ll be ready.