Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

My Last Semester May 20, 2013

Filed under: Mama Moments — B_Momof3 @ 10:04 pm
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Today was the first day of classes for my last semester of graduate school. I’m so excited! I always get giddy on the first day of class. Yes. I was that girl. The one who couldn’t wait to get her assigned reading list and textbooks. The one who’d work on assignments weeks in advance and turn them in the first day that the rest of the class got the guidelines. The one who would read history textbooks like YA fiction, and play “school” in her free time. Yes. That was me!

This time I’m not necessarily itching with anticipation for the upcoming educational quest. I am certainly excited for the work that I’ll produce and the skills that I’ll obtain, but to know that I am close to the end of my graduate school career is what makes it so phenomenal.

JetNohraTree

This will be the easiest and most challenging semester combined. The easiest because, at the back of my mind, and on the final read-through for all of my assignments I’ll be chanting, almost done! The most challenging because…well…where do I begin? I’m single-parenting three children, one of which is just 12 weeks old; I’m going to have to take these courses and job-hunt simultaneously, because once school is done I have absolutely no money to live off of; I’m slowly overcoming the trauma that was my marriage (and still technically is my marriage as I’m not yet divorced); and so much more.

But I’m going to make it. I’m almost done, and in three months I’m going to look back on my accomplishment with so much pride. One day my daughters will understand what it meant for me to finish, what it took for me to stick with this commitment, and how it improved our lives. One day, even I might say, how the¬† hell did I get through that? Someone told me that I was born with perseverance; she said either you have it or you don’t. I don’t know if it’s impossible to attain, but she was right about me – I’ve been determined to succeed for as long as I can remember.

I’m almost finished! I could bounce off of the walls right now if they weren’t so thin and I wasn’t risking waking the neighbors ūüôā

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Tough Week May 10, 2013

This has been a really tough week for me. I tried to relax and enjoy the fact that I’d have two full weeks between semesters. I tried to take it easy and just work slowly, calmly through my to-do list. I tried to keep up on self-care and CBT and even toyed with the idea of doing some guided meditations. But none of those things happened.

TheKillerSpeaksAfter a few days of cleaning I wound up freaking out that I was running out of time to get things done. I had that horrible nightmare (I mentioned it in my last post) and sleep has been impossible ever since (I’m not staying awake all night, but committing to sleep isn’t easy. Once I am asleep I have intense, violent, and exhausting dreams). I got an A in my class (yay!), but the joy faded quickly. I saw myself in a friend’s mirror, and within hours I was picking apart the image I’d seen. I’ve been watching The Killer Speaks way too frequently. It frightens me. The killers’ personalities are eerily similar to my husband’s.

I am feeling all out of sorts. Things are just swimming through my head. There’s so much to accomplish, but I have so little energy, and so little desire. Everything I do with my three young daughters takes an entire day. Every trip to the grocery store, every support group, every karate class, every therapy session; I only plan to do one big thing each day, if at all, because the simplest things take us five hours.

Even when we stay at home we’re busy from breakfast to bedtime business. It’s insane, and I’m completely drained. I would never really, but I wish I could just run away and do absolutely nothing for a couple of days. I need to rejuvenate. I want to rest. But that’s waaaay too much to ask. It’s tough to think that this will be my life, more or less, for another two decades.

jet_family2

Okay, maybe I’m being dramatic. Maybe it will get easier over time. No. Not maybe. It will. I¬† am just very overwhelmed with right now. And to be completely honest, right now is not all that bad. I get to be at home with my daughters. Yes, the housework is endless, and everyday presents new challenges, but everyday I’m presented with their smiles and bright eyes, everyday I get to kiss chubby baby thighs, and when I do finally manage to get some sleep at night it is in a safe place.

There are people who care about me and my daughters. I am two courses shy of finishing my Master’s degree. No matter how hideous I feel there are people who reassure me of my beauty. I know that I still have the potential to go after my dreams. This week has been tough for me. I’ve been feeling low, but this week is just one more hurdle. I refuse to drop out of the race.