Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Tough Week May 10, 2013

This has been a really tough week for me. I tried to relax and enjoy the fact that I’d have two full weeks between semesters. I tried to take it easy and just work slowly, calmly through my to-do list. I tried to keep up on self-care and CBT and even toyed with the idea of doing some guided meditations. But none of those things happened.

TheKillerSpeaksAfter a few days of cleaning I wound up freaking out that I was running out of time to get things done. I had that horrible nightmare (I mentioned it in my last post) and sleep has been impossible ever since (I’m not staying awake all night, but committing to sleep isn’t easy. Once I am asleep I have intense, violent, and exhausting dreams). I got an A in my class (yay!), but the joy faded quickly. I saw myself in a friend’s mirror, and within hours I was picking apart the image I’d seen. I’ve been watching The Killer Speaks way too frequently. It frightens me. The killers’ personalities are eerily similar to my husband’s.

I am feeling all out of sorts. Things are just swimming through my head. There’s so much to accomplish, but I have so little energy, and so little desire. Everything I do with my three young daughters takes an entire day. Every trip to the grocery store, every support group, every karate class, every therapy session; I only plan to do one big thing each day, if at all, because the simplest things take us five hours.

Even when we stay at home we’re busy from breakfast to bedtime business. It’s insane, and I’m completely drained. I would never really, but I wish I could just run away and do absolutely nothing for a couple of days. I need to rejuvenate. I want to rest. But that’s waaaay too much to ask. It’s tough to think that this will be my life, more or less, for another two decades.

jet_family2

Okay, maybe I’m being dramatic. Maybe it will get easier over time. No. Not maybe. It will. I  am just very overwhelmed with right now. And to be completely honest, right now is not all that bad. I get to be at home with my daughters. Yes, the housework is endless, and everyday presents new challenges, but everyday I’m presented with their smiles and bright eyes, everyday I get to kiss chubby baby thighs, and when I do finally manage to get some sleep at night it is in a safe place.

There are people who care about me and my daughters. I am two courses shy of finishing my Master’s degree. No matter how hideous I feel there are people who reassure me of my beauty. I know that I still have the potential to go after my dreams. This week has been tough for me. I’ve been feeling low, but this week is just one more hurdle. I refuse to drop out of the race.

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12 Responses to “Tough Week”

  1. Julia Jasmine Sta Romana Says:

    You are beautiful Jet! And just look at what you have achieved! Motherhood is a marathon, not a race and there will be really, really tough time. You’ve been through worse. It can only get better from here.

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you ❤

      You're right, a marathon… thinking of it that way may help me to stop rushing and to set a manageable pace.

  2. Still Scared( but getting angry) Says:

    It WILL get better. It’s amazing how much time little ones take. but it gets easier and harder as they get older. You are beautiful and your girls are precious. Get audible and have a book playing in the background as you sleep or listen to the news like I do, it helps keep away MOST nightmares.

    • Jet Says:

      That’s a good idea 🙂 I used to enjoy falling asleep to a book on tape, but since soon after the baby came I’ve been drifting off to the H2 channel. Not good, because sometimes this history being discussed is horrific. I’d use Audible if it were free…guess I need to start going to the library again. I need to make a lot of changes quite honestly.

      Thank you for your compliments and the suggestions 😉

      • Still Scared( but getting angry) Says:

        I know there are free book apps, my sons use them..maybe look into it.

      • Jet Says:

        I hadn’t considered looking for free book apps…I’m so new to this smartphone thing, lol, but it’s worth some searching 🙂 Thank you!

  3. kp Says:

    I feel exhausted just thinking about your life right now….doing a masters while raising three beautiful kids on your own!! You deserve a medal!! And it will get better!! As kids get older, they take less physical energy; they will be able to help out a bit around the house; they can do some things for themselves. Also, once you are done your master’s I would expect that your work load will get easier. Hang in there…take one day at a time….try to worry less about the housework…Virtual hugs…Kim

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you, Kim! I don’t know what I’ll do with myself once I’m no longer ripping and running after my brood, lol. Yes, you’re right…once they can be of more assistance things should get easier. Also, once I’m done with school I should be able to leave my “work” at work and that will certainly help. Sigh…hanging in there 😉 Thank you for the hugs!

  4. sherry Says:

    You and your family are beautiful. You are also incredibly brave!


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