Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Stuck April 19, 2013

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I have not been feeling very energetic and I haven’t been getting much done.

The laundry is clean, but not folded. The kitchen is clean, but there are boxes that still need to be taken to storage blocking 1/4 of the room. The rest of my house is in a decent disarray, nothing alarming, but it’s not what I’d want visitors to see. I don’t feel like making the house pretty. I just feel…meh.

I just want to play on my smartphone, eat Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, watch H2 or the World Channel or A&E all day. I want to lie in bed awake, but be able to drift in and out of a daydream. I want to sleep. Goodness gracious how glorious it would be to get a truly good night’s sleep.

I feel so stagnant lately. Like I’m stuck. I’m late on my homework, finals are in two weeks, my last two courses start in one month. Today he has a hearing for the felony charges and soon there’s a pretrail hearing for my divorce. I’m just…all over the place, but I need to be focused. I need to stay on course. I’ve got to get through this. I’ve got to keep going. I cannot stop to think about it or I might realize how insane it seems that I’m trying to handle what I’m juggling.

This isn’t easy. Everyone who sees me says, “You’ve got your hands full,” and I just smile politely and nod my agreement while thinking to myself, “If you only knew.” Then I wonder what they know, or what they’re thinking. I look self-consciously at my empty ring finger and then at my 8 week old baby. Do they think I’m a whore? A loser? A welfare queen? It’s so embarrassing. I cannot stop thinking that everyone is judging me negatively, even when they smile.

Some days go so well. Some days I can push past this fear and this longing and this uncertainty and this constant knot inside my throat which chokes back sobbing. Some days I can relax and play with my daughters and soak in their innocence and zest. Sometimes I almost forget.

This is not a time like that.


11 Responses to “Stuck”

  1. Still Scared( but getting angry) Says:

    you are not a whore, nor a loser you are a beautiful accomplished woman in a really tough spot. Energy level, unfocused, part hormones, part breast feeding, part stress of all that is happening. Your mind wants to run away. Don’t have a good answer other than I understand, am praying for you and hugs

    • Jet Says:

      Empathy is probably the best answer I could hope for ❤

      Thank you!

      • kp Says:

        Hi Jet….I remember that feeling: 1) when my kids were young and I was exhausted from lack of sleep and working full time; and 2) at the end of the school year in University when I felt exhausted from working full-out all year long. And you are dealing with both of those situations at the same time!! I cannot imagine how you have been holding it all together. I know you cannot take much time off but if you can take little breaks…do so…and be gentle with yourself. We can only keep going full-out for so long before we need to shut down. Kim

      • Jet Says:

        ❤ Thank you

        It is nice (though also bittersweet) to hear that others understand.

        I do so need a break…there are two weeks between final exams and the start of my last two classes. I am really looking forward to that 😉

  2. Hi, Oh yes, guilt and so on, translating other people’s stare. I too carry a share of this. What would people think?
    Regarding your house, I also can relate. Somedays, I walk down the stairs and even though the place if fine, I see a box here, a bag there, a catalogue lying ib the table etc. Apparently, it looks messy, and this is not what I want. So, I take all these small things that drive me nuts and put them in their place and immediately, the place looks better.
    One thing that you must remember every day: you are a singly Mum, so plainly said, you have no one to talk to once you get home, no one to support the tiny little things of life ( the queue was too long at the supermarket or there was a traffic jam or a colleague is a pest etc… all tehse small things we should be able to unload on someone). You are alone. So, you get up every day, you get the girls dressed, you wash the dishes, cook something… This is ALREADY amazing! Well done, pat yourself on the shoulder, you are a star!

    • Jet Says:

      I need to keep in mind that I am only one person, so true. Tidying up really does make me feel better, but sometimes just feeding everyone is a feat. I hadn’t given much thought to the fact that I’m missing the simplicity (but much needed ability) to share the mundane with another adult :/ It really is tough doing this alone.

      Thank you for your encouragement!

  3. rb Says:

    i feel really bad about not addressing your email question to me. i want to … but i cant bring myself to. im ashamed and cant face you about it. you know?
    i hope you are feeling better today than when this eloquent entry was written. this too shall pass! 🙂

    • Jet Says:

      Oh my goodness please don’t feel bad! I’ve actually felt bad ever since I asked you to email me about it. That was so incredibly insensitive of me. I’m sorry! Please don’t feel obligated or guilty or ashamed. I can only imagine the way something like that would’ve made me crazy inside.

      As of today, things are better ❤ Thank you so much for asking!

      • rb Says:

        oh it wasnt insensitive at all – you were merely offering a listening ear if i wanted it!
        i feel like i cant reply because the way things are is still up in the air and so its like, i cant sum it up because the story is still not finished. if that makes sense.
        thanks for understanding!

      • Jet Says:

        I’m so glad it didn’t come off as insensitive. I really was just trying to offer a listening ear, but I was afraid I’d offended you 😦 I hope you’re alright with things. I’m still here when/if you want to talk to me about it 🙂 No judging.

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