Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

If only… April 5, 2013

If only I could get more sleep. Nohra tends to have her most alert time period between 9pm and Midnight. I feel like I’m neglecting her because I should be engaging her during that time. I should be showing her contrasting colors and talking and reading and listening to classical music…something. But I’m often nodding in and out of sleep, holding her and nursing her while silently flipping the channels on my television and eating ice cream, trying desperately to stay awake.

If only I could sleep peacefully. I still have nightmares, and they’re not just about him. Last night I was being hunted. It was like The Hunger Games meets The Ghost and the Darkness. Dying in my dream would have been more relaxing. I woke up after less than five hours in a twisted position, exhausted from all the running and mental exhaustion from being in constant fear for my life. I didn’t even attempt to fall back to sleep.

If only I could stop eating ice cream bars and poptarts. I don’t even really like them when I’m eating them, but they’re sweet and easy. I am constantly running around and there’s so much to get done and I hardly find the chance to sit and eat. If I sit and eat I miss out on doing something else that I could’ve done while I had the chance. I know, I should stock up on fruit and veggies and easy to eat healthy things. And I will…when our money for food comes in. But then, of course, I have to find the time to brave a shopping trip with three little kids.TimeRunning

If only I could stay on schedule with my Directed Study this semester, and finish my proposals for my last two courses, and turn them in and get them approved.

If only I could start exercising again. I feel so flabby. I know, I know, I had my third baby six weeks ago, and to the outside world I look fine, great even, but I feel fat. And I’m not being my old teenaged delusional self who was really skinny but said she was fat; I’m really out of shape. I haven’t worked out regularly since I had my first daughter, and she’s almost six. I swore that I’d work out during my pregnancy, but I really didn’t do much. I even purchased a Postpartum Yoga with Baby DVD, and I haven’t even opened it. Ugh. I know that I’d feel better if I could start exercising, but I can barely fit in time to breathe.

If only I could stop stressing about these court cases. If only they were all wrapped up and in the past already.

If only I could push past these automatic thoughts/distorted thinking habits. I’ve been doing some work with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy…I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to better myself in various facets. I know that thinking of myself as a failure is one of the feelings/thoughts I must combat. I know that all is not lost because I’m two days late on my homework. Deep down I know these things, but it is not yet habitual for me to change my way of reacting.

If only I could spend a few hours shopping (and not have to worry about my big girls or the fact that I don’t have any money).

If only I could be out in nature awhile. Go hiking or fishing or running. Hell, go rub my hands in the dirt and jump in a puddle.

If only I could have ten minutes to just be, completely alone, without any worries or responsibilities.

If only…if only.


4 Responses to “If only…”

  1. kp Says:

    Those days are long behind me, but reading your post brings them right back. I was always chastising myself; feeling that I SHOULD be doing more. But it is hard when you are SO exhausted. When my son was a baby, I remember saying to a woman, “I feel like everyone else can do this but me,” and she replied, “Honey, every mother with young children is going crazy!”. It was the kindest thing someone ever told me. And that is without the added stress that you have in your life. Be gentle with yourself!! It will get easier….Kim

  2. If it is any help, know that time (even if you miss it now) helps. Time will heal everything. The court case will come and go. Project yourself in the future. In three years time, in twenty years time… this divorce will be long gone and forgotten. Court cases are all about facts. The facts you can’t fight or argue about: he did that, he said that. You will say what he did, he will say what you did and you will fight his facts with your facts “no it is not true and here is the proof” etc…
    Simple and clear. So, what I am trying to say is that there is nothing for you to do about it except state the facts. Anchor yourself in the facts.

    Your nightmares are all related to that. You run, people chase you. You fight for your life. This is your actual environment. Embrace it because it wil go away, for sure, I promise, time will pass and these difficult times will go away.

    Instead of “if only” think of “thank you for”… you are a great woman, a great Mum and a talented student. You were for sure a great wife, just for the wrong husband. You did nothing wrong.

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you for this. Hard as it all is, this is a very good way to look at things. The court case will come and go and I will only be required to tell the truth. There’s nothing I can do to change the facts.

      I look forward to the nightmares ending. I will imagine a time when they are no more…power of positive thinking?

      And you’re right…”thank you for” what I have accomplished, and for who I DO have in my life to love, and even for my challenges, because that means I’m alive and still able to fight. ❤

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