Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Still I Wonder…About Him March 29, 2013

I tried to convince myself not to worry about him months ago. I tried reminding myself of the bad times. I tried focusing on the felony charges, the reason for my restraining order, the pain and embarrassment of the entire situation. I tried telling myself that I was only feeding into his narcissistic desires if I spent my time and energy on him. I tried to reason with myself that with my heavy load I didn’t have strength left to carry the burden of continuing to worry about him. To wonder about him. To wish it were different.

But still I do. I was conditioned to put his needs ahead of my own, and even though I have not seen or spoken to him in ten months it’s terribly difficult for me to let my worries go. I still wonder what he’s thinking about me, about everything, and lately especially about our newborn baby. Does he blame me? Of course he blames me. What is he telling everybody? How has he framed things? I’m sure they all think I’m a monstrous psychotic manipulative bitch. It pains me. I miss his family, but they will never love me again.

I wonder if he still loves me. He never loved me. I know that he never really loved me and I still wonder if he still does simultaneously. QuestionMarksMaybe I am crazy. I wonder if he’s with somebody. What is he telling her? Are they the same things he told me about the mother of his first baby who he never sees? Is he convincing her that really I’m the abuser? That I caused all the hardship? That’s I’m insane? Of course he’s telling her that; he’ll never take responsibility for anything.

So why do I worry about whether or not he’s eating alright? Why do I care if he’s losing weight? Why do I brood over his ability to sleep at night? I spent the majority of my pregnancy an insomniac. I have no money to pay our bills in New England, but still I’ve made EVERY mortgage payment on our Illinois home since he left though he’s probably living in it. I have our three children, our three daughters ages five weeks to five years and I’m getting nothing from him.

So why the hell am I worried about him? Quite obviously he’s being well taken care of. He has more than likely convinced his family members of his innocence. He has probably started training a new woman. He is making calculated decisions regarding his legal proceedings. He doesn’t give a shit about me. Maybe that’s what bothers me? That I’ll always care for him even though he wronged me and it’s so easy for him to let go of me, of all of us.

It’s our second daughter’s fourth birthday tomorrow. Is he thinking of her? He never cared much for our second daughter. Maybe he’s happy to not be here. I have no idea. The not knowing anything is so hard. I think he knows that the not knowing is hard for me. He is probably loving every minute of my misery. I want to stop myself from wondering, from worrying, but some part of me might always be focusing on him. In spite of everything a huge part of me wants him to be alright, wants him to love me, wants him to care about our family. That part of me may be unwilling to allow myself to let go of the fantasy. The fantasy is better than constantly thinking he’s plotting to kill me…though him wishing me dead is probably closer to reality.

Still…I wonder.

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13 Responses to “Still I Wonder…About Him”

  1. You are showing great courage. Best wishes on your healing journey for you and your girls.

  2. rb Says:

    im glad your mastitis is better! yowch! been there, done that, dont want the teeshirt.
    i came here to read you because you always cheer me up. i need to feed off your strength.
    my you-know-who (the name i will never be able to speak or bear to look at without flinching) emailed me out of the blue, after five years. im reeling.
    of all the people i know, i know youre the only one on earth who understands what this feels like.

    • Jet Says:

      Oh my goodness. Are you serious?! I mean…I know you’re serious, but still, OMG! Why would he do that? What did he say?! If it’s not too painful to think about feel free to email me. Yikes!

      I’m so happy to be cured of mastitis. It already seems like it happened a century ago now, lol.

  3. Julia Jasmine Sta Romana Says:

    As usual, your posts never fail to move me. I’ve never experienced that kind of abuse but I have a friend who does. Before, I would get impatient with her because I don’t understand why she always feels compelled to go back to him. But reading your blog helped me realize that abuse goes deeper than the bruises and it helped me understand her a little better.

    Right now they got back together again. I hate knowing that I know how this will end. But at least now she knows that I’m always here for her and that I understand what’s she’s going through a little better. I really wish she finds the strength to finally leave him and be more like you. I know she can do it on her own.

    But is there anything else I can do Jet? We’ve tried everything. I’m just really scared for her and her kids. We (her friends and family) don’t know what to say or do that would finally give her the courage to leave him. What can we do?

    • Jet Says:

      Quite honestly, what you’re doing is possibly one of the greatest things you could be doing, loving her unconditionally and letting her know that you will support her no matter what. Not having that love and support is what keeps a lot of women with their abusers. Better the devil you know, you know? It’s so hard to watch someone you care about suffering, so a lot of people turn their backs on the person because it’s too much to bear, but the victims aren’t blind to that. In my case, I knew that I’d lost friends and family members throughout (and due to) my relationship, and for those losses to not be in vain I felt that I had no choice but to remain in my situation. It hurt so badly to be judged, but I felt like no one understood me or my relationship so they couldn’t possibly relate or show empathy. I feared hearing “I told you so” if I were to leave, but I feared not hearing anything at all even more (I felt so secluded and alone, even if nowadays others swear they were trying to stay close to me, and it scared me that he was all I really had, so I clung to him). He was like a drug for me. I was addicted to him. I still feel like I’m weaning myself honestly. Parts of me still crave him, even though he wasn’t good for me. It’s very hard to break away. Not only that, but I felt as though I was indebted to him, so it seemed wrong to leave him. He’d convinced me that he needed me. How could I leave? I got trapped in an unhealthy codependency.

      One of the biggest things for me (that helped me to not go back this time – I’d tried leaving several times before) was actually labeling his actions as abusive (the restraining order helped a lot too because I wasn’t constantly hearing him crying or dealing with him berating me this time, manipulating me into staying together). It took me until I started my support group (after The Big Incident, after 8 years in that relationship) to admit that I was being abused. It’s a really tough thing to admit to yourself, that the man you love is abusive, and not only that he’s abusive, but that he’s abusing you. Many victims spend years blaming themselves for their abuser’s behavior (oftentimes because abusers blame everything on their victims and over time victims begin to believe what they’re told). I thought that if I were to just be prettier, thinner, a better cook, a better lover, a better mother…he would change. I tried everything. But it’s wasn’t about how much better I could be because I would never measure up. He needed to make me feel inadequate to keep control over me.

      I spent years beating myself up over my imperfections, trying my hardest to please him, blaming myself for his acts of rage. Even when I could clearly see that he wasn’t being fair or treating me properly, I’d blame it on something else: the bills were high and we were broke, it was a cultural barrier, the baby changed our family dynamics, he’d lost his job, the economy, his vices, whathaveyou. When really it was plain as could be, he was abusing me, and we would never have the family I’d hoped for no matter my sacrifice. Your friend is more than likely still holding out for him to change. She still has the fantasy of something she does making his good side stay around more and his bad side show less. It’s a horrible way to live, constantly anxious that you’re going to set him off again 😦 I feel for her. It’s also hard to leave the routine of having him around, no matter how badly he treats you it seems worse to be alone. She probably has very low self-esteem as well, and may feel as though no one but him will ever love her. My husband used to tell me that, that I was lucky to have him because no one else would ever want me.

      There are two other things that I can suggest without knowing anything about her (and without making this response another 1000 words longer, lol). 1) Encourage her to attend a support group for victims of domestic violence. This will be something that she has figure out whether or not it’s safe to do. I couldn’t have managed to do this while I was with him and even if I had been able to I wouldn’t have seen it as necessary since I didn’t think of it as “abuse”. Which leads me to number 2) The more she can be educated about abuse the better decision she can make. Ultimately it’s up to her when and if she leaves him (and stays away). That’s one of the worst things for friends and family, but it does have to be her decision or she’s likely to go back to him. She has to find the strength to be ready and everyone is ready at different times. Women in my support group have stayed from a few months to several decades before they’re ready to leave. I suggest the following few resources for learning more about abuse, controlling men, and the cycle of violence. Maybe one of them will speak to her and she’ll find more strength? I certainly hope so 🙂 You’re a great friend! Good luck to her and her children.

      1) The following website really spoke to me and helped me to stop denying what I was going through. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

      2) This is a popular one, the wheel of power and control. Maybe she can identify with this cycle and be one step ahead of him the next go round? http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf

      3) This book is one I’m still reading (I just cannot find the time to fit it in, but it’s really awesome) and has been highly recommended in the DV community. http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

      4) This is another one that I own but haven’t read yet (also highly recommended) http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize-respond/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1365620736&sr=1-1&keywords=verbally+abusive+relationship+patricia+evans

      Again. Best of luck to her ❤ *I should make an post with this information…I think I will. Thank you!*

      • Julia Jasmine Sta Romana Says:

        Thanks Jet! I actually invited her to a support group once and she didn’t show. The moderator there saw how upset I was and told me that it’s actually normal. That I should just keep telling her about the group, show her her options, and to show as much support as I can without judging her. I’ll copy these links and email them to her. I guess it’s a little hard to admit that this process is going to take sometime. I just need to constantly remind myself that this isn’t about me, it’s about her. And if I really want to help her, the best thing I can do is just wait and keep the door open for her for the time she’s finally ready to step outside the and leave him.

      • Jet Says:

        You’re very welcome 🙂 I hope it helps! I agree with what the moderator said 100%. I agree with you as well, the wait is never easy. I’ve been on both sides of this issue (the abused woman and the friend of the abused woman wishing desperately that the friend would leave) and both are painful. I firmly believe that abuse does not only effect the primary victim, but children (even if they’ve never actually witnessed or heard the incidents), family members of the primary victim, and friends as well. It takes a lot of strength (both from the victim and from everyone supporting the victim) to make it out of these relationships.I think you’re doing the right thing and she will be very grateful for your kindness someday (if she isn’t already). You’re a wonderful friend 🙂

        P.S. I haven’t read it, but a girlfriend of mine has a book written for friends and family members of DV (Domestic Violence) victims. Next time I contact her I’ll get the info if you’re interested 🙂

      • Julia Jasmine Sta Romana Says:

        Just finished reading it! Thank you so much!

      • Jet Says:

        You’re very welcome 🙂

  4. Oh, my! The wondering, I can relate to this post also. For a long time, I felt sorry (crazy hey!) for him. He was all alone, only had me, and I left.
    But now I know better. I also know that time is no factor for this type of men. Five years from now, ten maybe, he coud still affect me. So i keep reading books about it, I keep writing books about it, because I have been a victim once, twice and a third time. How could this happen?
    I forced myself to not think about him. Many people ask me, even if I don’t want to think about him, so I say: “I do not want to think good about him and I do not want to think bad about him. I think nothing.” and it works.
    I have not forgiven. Why should ? seventeen years of my life, so much money and I am still paying, and still broke. Why would I forgive someone sho destroyed me. But forget, this I can. Forget him that is, not what happened to me, because I do not want this to ever happen again.

    • Jet Says:

      I think that educating oneself about abuse, controlling men, narcissists, domestic violence, and the like, is the most important thing a victim can do to ensure that she does not allow it to happen again. Still, there’s something about these men…they’re so addicting…they’re like magnets pulling us closer as we try to break away. Even keeping from thinking about him takes a great amount of continuously focused energy. It’s especially difficult when my daughters make faces that look just like his, OMG. Lol. I try though. I applaud you for finding a method that allows you peace. My entirety is grieving, but parts of me aren’t ready to forget 😦


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