Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

I Should Feel Fine March 1, 2013

So far I am keeping it together…mostly.

I wouldn’t quite call it baby blues or postpartum depression.

I am just…slightly…less happy today. I also felt this way yesterday…and the night before.

The day before last I made my first true attempt to start back on my coursework for the Directed Study I’m taking this semester. I couldn’t find the time to read more than twenty words of my textbook. I felt like such a failure. I was so overwhelmed.

I’m doing wonderfully with the housework, and with keeping the girls on their daily homeschooling schedule, I’ve stayed caught up with the bills (which I’m paying primarily with my school loans, though we did eventually qualify for some government aid and, though my politics disagree with welfare on the whole, we would be a lot worse off without at the moment).

Things are okay. Quite honestly. I should be happy. There aren’t any dishes in my sink. I only have one load of cloth diapers waiting for me to fold. Nohra was NINE POUNDS at her one week checkup! My milk is so abundant that next week I’m going to start donating it to women who have lower supplies. I should feel fine!

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But I don’t. I’m feeling kind of low.

I’ve tried not to think about my husband…my…I don’t know what else to call him. I mean, he is still my husband, for the time being. Although I haven’t seen or spoken to him since May, and although I filed for divorce in August, and although he’s being charged with a felony for what he did to me, I still call him my husband. He will probably keep that title indefinitely.

I’ve tried to stay in good cheer and not spend too much time considering the things I haven’t been able to accomplish. My midwife tells me to go easy on myself. She says to keep in mind that it has only been a bit over one week since I gave birth and the fact that I’m even keeping up with the girls’ schedule is amazing. She says that most women find caring for three children difficult even when they have a partner’s assistance, so I shouldn’t get upset with myself for not being able to do everything so soon after the birth.

I am upset with myself though. I’m upset for not being able to find the time to accomplish more coursework before the birth. I’m upset that I’m not finding the time and energy to accomplish everything now. I am not upset at my babies; not one of the three. They are everything wonderful to me. I am upset that I cannot spend more time and energy on them exclusively.

Being upset doesn’t help anything really. It motivates me somewhat to do better the next day, but ultimately it just highlights everything I haven’t done. My midwife says to try focusing on the things I have been able to do, and to try to feel good about that. I’m trying, but it isn’t easy to disregard the growing mound of additional obligations.

I know that I will get through this. I know that I will be strong. I just wish the days were ten more hours long.

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14 Responses to “I Should Feel Fine”

  1. Melanie Says:

    You will be fine. You will.

    • Jet Says:

      Okay. I know I’m hormonal now. I got teary-eyed reading this. Sigh. Yes. I will be fine. I will. I will.

      Thank you.

  2. maria5125 Says:

    You can do this! Remember that there is a whole community out here wishing you only the best! Cyber hug!

  3. rb Says:

    you expect superhuman things out of yourself that a whole team of people couldnt pull off. all the things you DO, you are so used to doing, you don’t realize how AMAZING they are! make time to feeel how huge your accomplishments are and savor your successes. (i only know this because i have the worst habit of failing to do that myself.) i just heard a thing on NPR about making a point of celebrating your achievements with a big fist pump and a huge fuss about them, so that it makes a more indelible memory in your mind, attached to more synaptic pathways than if you just let it slip by unsavored. they were saying how vital this is and that the top / smartest athletes do it so they can counteract the effects of occasional mistakes and failed plays, or else those will be what makes the bigger mark in one’s memory and derail one’s confidence later on.
    so go do a little happy dance now saying “I kick aaaaa-aaaaasss” and list twenty reasons why! ^_^

    • Jet Says:

      I really like the idea of making a huge fuss over my accomplishments; the small check mark on my to-do list always makes me feel good, but maybe a little extra couldn’t hurt πŸ™‚ I like the NPR explanation of why it’s so vital and I’ll try to keep that in mind when I’m feeling imperfect πŸ˜‰ Thank you!!!

    • Still Scared( but getting angry) Says:

      I totally agree with the above! You are doing sooo much!! Make sure you give your self lots of pats on the back everyday. Celebrate little accomplishments because they are huge in the scope of what you are carrying.

      • Jet Says:

        Thank you! I’m trying to do that more these past few days πŸ˜‰ Maybe I can make it a habit?!

  4. rb Says:

    happy healthy babies, healthy you, savoring your babies – that’s ALL you need to do right now.
    dishes, laundry, even school: bottom of the list! you’ll get to it when you get to it! babies are only babies for so long. just sitting and being with them, being together and comfortably at ease together – that’s what your girls will remember and cherish. not whether there were dishes in the sink or not. show them a peaceful content mama who loves life and can giggle and hug and be happy even if the house IS a mess. don’t let the little stuff steal your joy.
    (failing to prioritize better in this regard is my biggest weakness!)

  5. you are NOT a failure. you are a mother, a person, an individual, a woman, a student, you are loved and you give love and a messy house/reading twenty words does not define you, it does not make or break you. you are incredible. repeat these things to yourself. you. are. wonderfully and wholly loved. all of you.

    • Jet Says:

      πŸ™‚ Thank you. This comment comes at the perfect time because today is another of those like it was when I wrote this post. Now if I could just stop choking on my tears long enough to repeat the mantra…


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