Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

It’s Our Anniversary December 21, 2012

MayanCalendarToday marks my sixth year of marriage. A day I’ve looked forward to since we decided to wed on Winter Solstice in 2006.

At least we would be celebrating when the world came to an end, we’d joked. I’d wanted this day to mean something. I’d wanted to live through the threatened Mayan apocalypse a more unified team. But this anniversary will be quite different. This year I am alone. I don’t know where he is, but the restraining order keeps him from being able to make contact with me legally.

And tomorrow marks seven months since The Big Incident. This won’t be easy.

I’m trying to take my mind off of him today. This means more leg work for me, but it will keep the tears at bay. Every time I close my eyes I see his face. Not only in my nightmares does he haunt me, but every day. Every time I do something that he would have frowned upon, every time I feel unsure of my decisions, every time I need another adult to talk things through with, every time I wish someone could hold me in their arms, every time I am feeling weak and wishing that someone in this world needed me for their strength, his image surfaces.

Not all of my thoughts of him stem from my fears of him wanting to kill me.BrokenHearts

A lot of the time I try to figure out what I’ll do when I see him again. At some point we will have to be around one another. If not some ways down the road for the sake of our children then possibly sooner, in a courthouse, in front of a judge, and possibly jurors. Will I cave? Those beautiful blond waves of hair cascading down his statuesque face, perfectly placed over the mole that I’ve grown to know and anticipate as I’d rub the surface of his skin from his cheek to his angular chin. Those eyes that could compel me to do anything. His energy, drawing me to him effortlessly; he fills a craving, a void that I didn’t know needed filling.

Without him I feel incomplete. But with him I feel insignificant.

I never fooled myself into believing that leaving him would be painless. I did not expect, however, that after being hurt by him so many times I would still find it so hard to put my feelings for him aside. I still love him. I always will. I will always miss the fantasy of being with the perfect alpha male. I will miss the deep conversations and the times we got to play. I will miss the comfort of knowing that he would protect me from outsiders. I will miss the dream of us growing old together, of reaching double-digit anniversaries and being among the few of our peer group to stay married.

CatLionThis isn’t going to be easy.

I will always wish it didn’t have to be like this. But it is like this, and it doesn’t do much good for me to wallow in it. So I’m going to do something to put my mind at ease today. I’m not going to think about him constantly. I’m not going to wonder if he’s thinking about me. I’m not going to brood over what could have been had things occurred differently. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep. Well, maybe I’ll cry myself to sleep, but only if I think it will be beneficial to my recovery.

I need to start seeing myself differently. I am not weak, as I was made to believe. I am not worthless without him. I am not incapable of thinking for myself and making good choices for my life and my children. I am not going to be possessed by him forever, and I will regrow my self-esteem. It’s going to take patience, honesty, and a commitment to seeing myself as valuable. I’m going to work on that today. It’ll be the only gift I get this anniversary.

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9 Responses to “It’s Our Anniversary”

  1. Pining for Grace Says:

    Keep fighting the good fight! You have made a fabulous start by recognising things and self awareness. 🙂

  2. rohan7things Says:

    No matter how it feels the fact is that you are complete without him or anyone else. You are a full, complete human being with innate dignity and worth. I don’t know all the details of your situation but I do know that bullies and psychos have a way of making you feel incomplete, and positioning themselves as the completing factor creating an emotional dependence on them.

    It’s a lie, and you will heal, trust me. But it takes time, and courage. I love every single person I’ve had an intimate relationship with, but it doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them now. You will probably love this guy forever, parts of him anyway, but it doesn’t excuse cruelty. There are far too many kind and decent people who will also love you out there, to consider putting yourself in the path of a bully again.

    I wish you luck and good health, take care and let this anniversary pass, imagine the person you will be the next time this date rolls around. Stronger, healthier, happier 🙂

    Rohan.

    • Jet Says:

      I wrote you a really long reply and wordpress ate it. I’m sorry! The gist of it was this:

      That’s really sweet Rohan, thank you! I will start to meditate on feeling complete without anybody else. I really think that will help. You’re right, my love for him does not excuse his behavior toward me; I cannot settle for being bullied, manipulated, abused.

      Yes, stronger, healthier, and happier this time next year. That sounds like a good focus 😉 Thank you so much for your kind words and your well wishes ❤

  3. You took the step and changed your life. That makes you strong. Just found your blog today and I’m very thankful for it. You are an inspiration. Stay safe, find peace.

  4. katesurfs Says:

    Oh man… I can’t imagine how it would be being pregnant and caring for two children on your own… BUT, I do know that you are complete without anyone! We come to this world with nothing, and we leave it with nothing. Everything that we get while we’re here can cause us pain or pleasure… Just from what you described, I went through a very similar relationship (although, it only lasted 18 months and we did not have any children), but the attraction was intense and he was rotten. After we broke up, I felt like I would just die… the feeling lasted for a very long time, even after I met my husband. It’s been nearly 8 years since we broke up, since then, I still have the occasional dream about him! But, give yourself time. Time heals almost all wounds 🙂

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you 🙂

      I am liking this notion of being complete without anybody. For so long he had me convinced that I needed him. I want to believe that I’m over his brainwashing, but I do feel quite empty at times, now that he isn’t a physical part of my life.

      I feel so lost without him here to validate me, but I want to gain back that feeling of confidence in my decision-making. Holding on to him is also holding on to a lot of negative feelings that I have about myself.

      I’m so sorry that you’ve been through a similar relationship. I don’t know why it’s the guys like these that are so hard to let go of and get over.


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