Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

The Haunting Continues December 12, 2012

It had been so long since he had haunted my dreams. A week or so of semi-peaceful lack of sleep. But last night he returned with a ferocity, a vow to ruin me, and my well-crafted safety plan does nothing for me while I’m in an REM Cycle.

Sometimes I don’t realize it until waking. Sometimes, like the first of my four nightmares last night, he is back to being my typical husband. In my dream, I go through the motions of “staying in my place” (something he repeatedly instructed me to do throughout our eight year relationship). I ride the roller-coaster of our marriage through my dream and everything feels strangely familiar. I even feel the knot in the pit of my stomach and the frog in my throat; that constant conflicting feeling of wanting to avoid confrontation while simultaneously aching to defend myself.

In other nightmares, The Big Incident occurs in the same way that it did, or varied ways. The result is my pain, my fear, and my lack of control. He always wins.

If I were to believe Freud, then every one of my dreams is some form of wish-fulfillment. So in some sick subconscious way do I wish that my husband was still here, controlling my life, haunting me day and night? I suppose there was comfort in the familiarity of our relationship. There is something addictive about abuse.

But despite my loneliness, my constant state of uneasiness, my inability to control his presence in my dreams, I do not want to return to the daily terror of being his lady. How is it that after nearly seven months apart, a restraining order and other legal proceedings taking place, and with over 1000 miles between us, he still possesses me?

I want to feel free; if only in my dreams.

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4 Responses to “The Haunting Continues”

  1. Still scared Says:

    We still have nightmares. My son gets them whenever the idiot tries something stupid, like demanding visitation or not paying child support. He and my daughter used to get them all the time and so did I. Two and half years later we are down to mainly triggered nightmares. It will come, the freedom.

    • Jet Says:

      So sorry for your children getting them too. That has to be difficult to handle šŸ˜¦

      I certainly hope the freedom will come. I look forward to the feeling.

  2. Your work inspires me, and I have nominated you for the Prego Project Award (voicing violence award) Below I have enclosed the link: http://pregoandtheloon.wordpress.com/2012/12/12/prego-project-like-support-reblog/


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