Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Maybe I’ll Cry Myself to Sleep November 12, 2012

It seems as though my get up and go has gotten tangled up in the struggle; my overwhelming list of things I need to accomplish.

When I say need I really mean NEED and not want.

I WANT to find a hairdresser and get my dead ends cut off; it has been over a year since a professional touched my hair and this pregnancy is not favoring the weeks that I go without washing. Washing natural African-American hair is time-consuming. I do not have time.

I WANT to sit down with my daughters and color. Play board games. Have tea parties and play dress up and do each others hair. I want to pull out the couch bed and pop popcorn and watch a silly animated movie.

But first I’d NEED to get the six loads of clean laundry off the couch and folded and into drawers. I need to run another load of dishes before we run out of spoons. I need to take a shower…not sure how long it has been. I need to do my schoolwork…

I NEED to sleep. But even on the weekends, when I should have more time for peace and should worry less because I don’t have to wake up at 5am to get everyone up and out the door on time for class, I cannot sleep. I have not been able to sleep properly since The Big Incident, but lately it is worse than ever. I sit around like a zombie, always tired, but never able to settle down. When I do sleep, I have these terribly vivid and horrific dreams. He is always in them. He is always in control.  Upon waking I feel like I have just finished the fight of my life. Sleeping is more exhausting than staying awake.

I feed and bathe my daughters. I read to them – we’ve recently read almost every book in the Skippyjon Jones series and the How Do Dinosaurs (do various things) series several times each. I take them to their appointments and therapy sessions and sports lessons and educational programs. They are the focus of all of my energy.

I have no energy for me. I NEED to focus on me, because she’s inside of me, my growing baby. I am now 28 weeks pregnant, and she is growing steadily, healthily, and I’m hoping she comes out nice and chubby. But still, I cannot find the energy: to sleep, to complete my grad school assignments, to rid myself of my preoccupation with my husband. Why should I care about him? Why should I give him the satisfaction? I’m almost certain he’s not thinking about me. He is probably already wooing some other woman. And why should I care if he is with somebody? He DOES NOT LOVE me! But I do care…and I do worry, and I am afraid that he has already replaced me, and it still hurts, even though he has hurt me.

I am not certain that I need to weep, but maybe that would help me. I hear that crying is healthy, but I’ve always considered it a sign of being weak. I hate that once I start crying I find it hard to stop; I hate the lingering headache, the animal noises that come along with crying fits; the wetness. I haven’t cried since The Big Incident; I’ve been too busy with making ends meet, taking care of my babies, and not utterly failing at life, but maybe I can find some time to weep this week. Yes…I’ll have to schedule in crying. Maybe I’ll cry myself to sleep.

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4 Responses to “Maybe I’ll Cry Myself to Sleep”

  1. anewfreelife Says:

    Oh, I can so relate to you! My heart just breaks for you! I wish I could reach out and help you. I wish I could pop over and do your dishes while you play a game with the girls. I wish I could bring my hairdresser friend with me.

    Crying is a release for some. For others of us, writing does the same thing. We cry with our fingers.

    Your sleep has me worried. I have been there, months without rest. But, you do need it because of the pregnancy. I’m praying that you have restorative sleep tonight.

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you! It’s comforting just knowing that someone cares, even if you cannot come and do my dishes or bring your hairdresser friend, though…that would be pretty amazing 😉

      I think you’re right about writing. It is a major release for me. Even outside of my blog and my graduate school assignments I am constantly writing: journals, poetry, stories (that I seem to never find the time to finish). It soothes me.

      Sleep is certainly necessary. I do not want to cause baby to come early or anything from my inability to rest properly. I will talk with my midwives and therapist (once I’ve chosen a new one) for some advice on this.

      Thank you so much for your note. It always feels a little bittersweet to have some relate with me. I do not wish these burdens/struggles/hardships on anybody, but at the same time it helps to know that I am not alone.

  2. maria5125 Says:

    I second the sleep worry, you really need help with that. I know how it is, luckely I wasn’t pregnant while going through the divorce, but I didn’t sleep a whole night for 6 months… Write, write and write some more to get it out. And know that you are never alone!

    • Jet Says:

      I do…I figured it would get better with time, but it has yet to. I will try to do more writing, especially since I have no therapist at the moment.

      Thank you.


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