Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Depression Looms October 26, 2012

I feel like I’m just days away from falling into a deep depression.

I’ve refused to succumb to it, but it’s closing in on me. I know the warnings well; the hopelessness, the loneliness, the emptiness, the terror.

I find myself preoccupied with thoughts of how it came to this and I reexamine the part I played in it all. Is this all my fault? In so many ways I have to take the blame for what has become of my adult life.

It has been five months since The Big Incident and I have yet to shed a tear. Recently though, I feel my eyes brimming with them every time I am reminded of him, and everything imaginable reminds me of him. Only my strong will, my unwillingness to allow my daughters to see me crying, my stubbornness to not submit to the helplessness of having been victimized, my fear of losing what little control I maintain over my life, keeps the tears from spilling over.

There’s the obsession. I may hide it better nowadays as I am great at suppressing my deepest and most painful issues. But my resolve to stay away from him does not ward off the daily surfacing of debilitating worries over him.

There’s the uncertainty. The not knowing how things will go with the legal proceedings surrounding The Big Incident. Not knowing what to tell my children when they ask how long it will be before they see Daddy. Not being able to plan my future beyond surviving the next few days, next few weeks, next few months without breaking down.

There’s the paranoia. Everybody is out to get me. Every tall, thin, blonde-haired, pale-skinned man is a threat to me. Every glance from a stranger toward my growing belly makes me instantly subconscious that they’ll see my empty ring finger. I am no man’s woman. I must be someone’s whore. Surely they’re thinking I am nothing more than another unwed mother-to-be, ignorant of the world’s inner workings, incapable of succeeding. Poor poor pitiful me.

There are the unhealthy behaviors. I am not eating properly. I am consuming fewer vegetables than I should be. I am, however, favoring milk chocolate. I am not sleeping. Even when I don’t have class the next day I find myself awake for hours past useful brain activity. I have so much work to complete, homework to catch up on, applications to finish, approvals to attain, but so little energy for being much more than a really decent deadline artist. I am low on patience. I am nearly devoid of joy.

There’s so much sadness behind this smile. So much doubt clouding my determination. There’s an overwhelming fear of failure. There’s impossibility that I am constantly trying to defeat. On the outside, I keep smiling, but to be honest, this is all but killing me.


4 Responses to “Depression Looms”

  1. “And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.”
    ― Paulo Coelho

    Your honesty is beautiful and incredibly brave. Thank you.

  2. i feel for you. and i’ve had many many days like this one.
    depression hurts, and there are times when i feel as if i can’t for the life of me bring myself out my own deep pit. i tried to talk to my mother about it, and she’s no help at all. she tells me, “kendall you just have to pull yourself out of it and don’t let yourself get so sad.” easier said than done.
    i hope you’re outlook on life has improved and if not…….vent to me some more if it helps. i don’t have the answers or even the right words but i’ve been at my lowest low multiple times a week. so i know the pain you’re feeling.

    you feel as if you don’t want people to look at your un-ringed hand and find you to be a whore. i have those same fears, in the opposite manner. i work at a restaurant–a sports bar actually. and i fear that people see my giant belly and the ring on my finger, and think that i’m a poor young child who got married because she got pregnant, and that my baby will come out with no chance in surviving. how could my baby have a chance at surviving?? i’m 24 years old working at a restaurant making little to nothing every month…and about to have a baby. i’ve been in college for 6 years now….and i’ve only graduated with an associates. some kids that i graduated with from high school come in to eat, and i’m so embarrassed to be their waitress, i hate hearing their stories about their real jobs and real careers. they must feel bad for me. and my unborn child.

    but i know i’m dedicated to making sure my family survives. and i can see that you are too. i do anything and everything i can to keep my husband and i with a roof over our heads, and a smile on his face. i may be depressed often, but in the end i get that one minute to look and see all that God has truly blessed me with. and how could i complain.

    i feel the same for you. you have two beautiful children and a third on the way. i love reading your posts and feeling your energy. you are blessed beyond belief, and you are loved by the one who created you……which in itself is wonderful feeling. embrace your beauty and your dedication to your children….you are a wonderful person!

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you. It’s so important to be able to talk with people who understand. People who validate your feelings and don’t just expect you to be able to “get over it” or push through. If it were that easy, we’d just do it! Nobody wants to feel low, ya know?

      I understand what you mean about how people regard you and your pregnancy. I just want to scream that I’m a good mother, and I’m not a whore, and I’m going to give my child a really good life despite the fact that I’m a single-parent, and I want to tell them my children are happy and balanced and healthy and intelligent. I want to defend every possible negative thing they’re thinking about me, but I cannot, and I suppose I shouldn’t have to. I know that I’m doing everything to make my children’s lives the best they can possibly be, and no one can take that away by judging me.

      You too, sound as though you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing for your family. You’re going to make an awesome mother! Thank you for the encouragement, and good luck with everything 😉

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