Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Ultrasound Results October 19, 2012

I caved.

Yesterday I went in for another ultrasound because the first time the tech couldn’t see the baby’s spine. They wanted to check to make sure that Baby’s spine is fused, to ensure against spina bifida. For days I’ve been undecided as to whether or not I should try once more to find out Baby’s sex.

Today (24 weeks)

My curiosity was getting the better of my resolve to let it remain a mystery. I never checked Baby’s sex during my last two pregnancies, but what really swayed me to find out was knowing how much I want a boy, and wanting needing to deal with my disappointment (if necessary) before baby is born.

Hands in fists (top) Straight on view of face (bottom)

I know it may sound unreasonable, a healthy baby is a healthy baby, but I refuse to lie to myself (anymore) and my heart has been set on having a boy.

Baby was positioned perfectly for the ultrasound. Head near my stomach, feet near my bladder. We could see a perfectly fused spine, cute little feet with the second toe being longer than the others, tiny hands clenched into fists, an adorable profile, and when we peaked at the genital area…a small area between the legs with a line down the middle.


Legs (left) Profile (right)

Another girl.

But…I’m okay with it (…today. It took me some time to work through my initial disappointment…admittedly. I’m so glad I didn’t wait another 16 weeks!).

What was the big deal about having a boy? Well, I don’t have one, that’s the most obvious answer, but having a son meant a lot to me for other reasons as well. It might sound silly, but I wanted to be the woman to bear the male child who would carry on my husband’s family name. I know that my husband and I are no longer together, and some might say it’s a good thing he had no sons, but it still feels like a duty that I am not fulfilling. I feel somewhat, apologetic, even though I know the baby’s sex determination has pretty much nothing to do with me.

I was also disappointed because this will be my last baby, and this means that I’ll never have a son. I know, I know, I’m only 27. My best friend says not to worry, that I’ll have a son with the man of my dreams, but I cannot even fathom another dream man. I vowed to never love again if things did not work out with my husband.

Silly sisters (today)

I also promised myself to never put my children through the ups and downs of having mommy dating; it was hell for me growing up while my mother searched for her soul mate. I’m quite certain that I should just get used to being lonely. Every time I think of a companion I still wish it could be my husband (minus the bad stuff), but I know that’s not going to happen. So…I’ll never have a son.

There are good things about not having a male child as well. I would feel even more compelled to have a positive male influence around while my son were growing up than I feel obligate to having all girls. I still think it’s important for my daughters to see positive examples of males, and have interactions with them, whether or not it can or will be their father. It just seems…more detrimental for a boy not to have this. Maybe I’m just sexist?

I already have a ton of girl clothes. Terra was born at the end of March and Amara at the beginning of July, so I have mostly summer items for the first 0-6 month range, and Baby is due in February, but what I have may suffice. I’ll start checking my supplies. Also, I know what to do with a girl child. I know what she will have to go through in life as a woman. I will be able to empower her and contribute one more strong, independent, beautiful, loveable, and unique woman to the world.

Sisters hugging 🙂

I will have to fund three expensive weddings. That’s not necessarily a perk, but something for which I should probably start planning. There’s always the chance that one or more of them will be a lesbian…then I guess the parents on both sides split the expenses? I suppose I’ll worry about that if/when there’s the need (I have plenty on my worry plate already)…

Baby is a girl 🙂 She is healthy. She is in the 60th percentile at the moment. Her name will be something to do with nature, five letters, and end in “r-a” (because I’ve begun a trend already with Amara and Terra’s names). I’m thinking Keira, but I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please share them with me!

I’m glad that I found out Baby’s sex. I needed to come to terms with this. I am so happy that she’s going to be in my arms in 16 weeks!


6 Responses to “Ultrasound Results”

  1. another beautiful girl!!! how lucky!

  2. anewfreelife Says:

    Your girls are absolutely beautiful, just like their mama! And, you are so very young. Don’t give up hope. I had my third at 26 and thought that was it for me. I did not find my dream man; he was more like my nightmare man, but I had four more beautiful children with him. My last was born when I was 43! Dating does suck for everyone involved. But, it doesn’t always have to happen through dating. Work, family, friends…..anywhere you spend time with other people may give you an opportunity to meet a man worthy of all of the beauty on this page. In the meantime, keep being a great mama and remember that you are still young. : )

    • Jet Says:

      Seven babies?! How perfect 🙂 I started out wanting 12, and then I figured that six would be wonderful, but now 😦 …you’re right. I am young (enough) to not give up hope, but…at this point it’s incredibly difficult to consider being with someone else. I suppose I’ll just relax a bit and continue on this journey. I highly doubt anyone is going to be trying to woo a soon-to-be in her 30’s single mother of three, but…we shall see! I’d be very reluctant to date or be in a relationship, but I could certainly use the flattery 🙂 Thank you!

      • anewfreelife Says:

        Yep! Seven babies over 23 years. I am blessed!

        I know exactly how you feel. I was late 20’s, single with three kids, and I often felt like a stray cat with a litter of kittens no one wanted. But, that was just me. That wasn’t true. Looking back, there were several men who were interested. I shouldn’t have felt that way. Have you read my blog A Fairy Godfather? It’s my story of my own step-dad. He was a good man, and he loved me. I know there’s someone out there for you and your daughters. You have so much to offer this world. Some man is going to be honored to have the privilege of being with you and those girls…..when the time is right. Right now, it’s your season to heal and be alone with your babies, enjoying them. I’m praying that when the time is right, God’s gonna give you someone good.

      • Jet Says:

        It’s hard for me to imagine that there are any “good” men out there, but I don’t want to become one of those scorned, man-hating women, lol. I feel EXACTLY like “a stray cat with a litter of kittens no one wants”, but you’re probably right…given time men WILL pursue me, and I shouldn’t feel unlovable so early in life.

        I haven’t ready your Fairy Godfather blog; I’ll have to check that out! You give me so much hope. Thank you. I just don’t know…but I suppose that’s the point; I just DON’T know. Anything is possible 😉

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