Yesterday I went in for another ultrasound because the first time the tech couldn’t see the baby’s spine. They wanted to check to make sure that Baby’s spine is fused, to ensure against spina bifida. For days I’ve been undecided as to whether or not I should try once more to find out Baby’s sex.
My curiosity was getting the better of my resolve to let it remain a mystery. I never checked Baby’s sex during my last two pregnancies, but what really swayed me to find out was knowing how much I want a boy, and
wanting needing to deal with my disappointment (if necessary) before baby is born.
I know it may sound unreasonable, a healthy baby is a healthy baby, but I refuse to lie to myself (anymore) and my heart has been set on having a boy.
Baby was positioned perfectly for the ultrasound. Head near my stomach, feet near my bladder. We could see a perfectly fused spine, cute little feet with the second toe being longer than the others, tiny hands clenched into fists, an adorable profile, and when we peaked at the genital area…a small area between the legs with a line down the middle.
I’M HAVING A GIRL!!!!
But…I’m okay with it (…today. It took me some time to work through my initial disappointment…admittedly. I’m so glad I didn’t wait another 16 weeks!).
What was the big deal about having a boy? Well, I don’t have one, that’s the most obvious answer, but having a son meant a lot to me for other reasons as well. It might sound silly, but I wanted to be the woman to bear the male child who would carry on my husband’s family name. I know that my husband and I are no longer together, and some might say it’s a good thing he had no sons, but it still feels like a duty that I am not fulfilling. I feel somewhat, apologetic, even though I know the baby’s sex determination has pretty much nothing to do with me.
I was also disappointed because this will be my last baby, and this means that I’ll never have a son. I know, I know, I’m only 27. My best friend says not to worry, that I’ll have a son with the man of my dreams, but I cannot even fathom another dream man. I vowed to never love again if things did not work out with my husband.
I also promised myself to never put my children through the ups and downs of having mommy dating; it was hell for me growing up while my mother searched for her soul mate. I’m quite certain that I should just get used to being lonely. Every time I think of a companion I still wish it could be my husband (minus the bad stuff), but I know that’s not going to happen. So…I’ll never have a son.
There are good things about not having a male child as well. I would feel even more compelled to have a positive male influence around while my son were growing up than I feel obligate to having all girls. I still think it’s important for my daughters to see positive examples of males, and have interactions with them, whether or not it can or will be their father. It just seems…more detrimental for a boy not to have this. Maybe I’m just sexist?
I already have a ton of girl clothes. Terra was born at the end of March and Amara at the beginning of July, so I have mostly summer items for the first 0-6 month range, and Baby is due in February, but what I have may suffice. I’ll start checking my supplies. Also, I know what to do with a girl child. I know what she will have to go through in life as a woman. I will be able to empower her and contribute one more strong, independent, beautiful, loveable, and unique woman to the world.
I will have to fund three expensive weddings. That’s not necessarily a perk, but something for which I should probably start planning. There’s always the chance that one or more of them will be a lesbian…then I guess the parents on both sides split the expenses? I suppose I’ll worry about that if/when there’s the need (I have plenty on my worry plate already)…
Baby is a girl 🙂 She is healthy. She is in the 60th percentile at the moment. Her name will be something to do with nature, five letters, and end in “r-a” (because I’ve begun a trend already with Amara and Terra’s names). I’m thinking Keira, but I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please share them with me!
I’m glad that I found out Baby’s sex. I needed to come to terms with this. I am so happy that she’s going to be in my arms in 16 weeks!