Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Powerless October 8, 2012

Every month, every hearing I lose one week’s worth of sleep. From the days preceding the hearing to the days following I am incapable of focusing on anything but the fate of my husband. I worry for him, I wonder what will happen, I wind through a range of emotions. Fear is ever-present; an abundance of anxiety and tension. I try to relax by accepting that there is nothing I can do. There is no way to hurry through these stagnant periods to find out what the future holds.

The system will run its course, the lawyers will do their dances, the D.A. will push our case back to the depths of ItCanWait because of its insignificance to the community. And so I wait. Frantic, helpless, but hoping that this hearing will mean something different, that this one will possibly end my monthly torment, that something will come of it, or that they will dismiss it once and for all.

I will be steadfast and strong, but my determination to persevere does not quell the discomfort of being temporarily powerless.

I have no choices left but to wait patiently or to wait impatiently. I long to know something…anything. I cannot plan for my future. I do not understand the system’s structure and processes. I cannot find peace. The most I can do to get through this is to keep my mind off of it, but that feels like an injustice to my husband. I am still compelled to protect him, to put his importance ahead of my own. But I cannot protect him any longer. I do not know where he is or what he is doing or who he has replaced me with. I cannot determine whether he misses me or wants me dead. I do not know if he will ever speak to me again, and it kills me.

I am incapable of controlling this aspect of my life. I wear the weight from day-to-day and fight insomnia at night. I wait…constantly battling inside. I suffer…but I survive.

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2 Responses to “Powerless”

  1. Teresa Cleveland Wendel Says:

    Wearing that weight while you wait is pretty heavy stuff.

    • Jet Says:

      😦 It is. I’m trying to focus on things that I can control instead of things that I cannot, but it is incredibly difficult. I have too many conflicting emotions in regard to the hearings surrounding The Big Incident: anger, frustration, guilt, disappointment, pity, resentment. I find myself incapable of coming to a conclusion on the way I feel. Maybe after the pregnancy…though I’m quite sure it’s more than hormones.

      Thanks for your continued support.


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