Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Tall, Thin, Blond-Haired, Pale-Skinned Man Phobia September 7, 2012

I’ve been fortunate enough over the past three months to not be away from my children, my security blankets who blind me from seeing much other than their adorable faces. Yesterday I had to face the world on my own, and in doing so I came into close quarters with more than a few tall, thin, blond-haired, pale-skinned men.  I couldn’t tell what color their eyes were, my husband’s eyes are blue, but as I was incapable of functioning in their presence, I couldn’t lift my head high enough to look into their eyes.

For a thrice-weekly Bostonian, this notion is terrifying. I come to the city for my graduate school classes, which I began my second year of yesterday, and it is impossible to not be uncomfortably close to people while using public transportation. I typically walk with my head raised, as my mother taught me, but I find myself cowering in the presence of these males; tall like my husband, pale-skinned like my husband, thin like my husband, and so many of them with the same shade of his Swedish and German mix of blond hair.

My body tightens as I draw my shoulders in, elbows to my ribs. I really want to look at him. Just for a moment I consider the possibility of it really being my husband, but I know that he is over 1000 miles away (unless there is a court hearing scheduled, but he is not due in this state for another two weeks). I realize that I have stopped breathing. I talk myself into moving forward, but cannot bear the thought of looking up. I continue on my path like a timid child through a crowd of dangerous giants, wishing someone could hold my hand and lead the way, like how my counselor helped me out of the courtroom the day I got my restraining order.

I see his arm move past me and my eyes widen with…fear? despair?  longing? I want to reach for it and at the same time I want to recoil. A battle rages on inside my head over the contradicting feelings. I do not want to claim this anxiety, but it came over me with such an unexpected strength it cannot be denied. I am afraid of the guys who look like him, walk like him, talk like him, dress like him…is this a projection of my fear of him? I did not anticipate not being able to look into the faces of men with his characteristics. There are too many men with his characteristics to avoid them all.

I have to find a cure for this phobia. I cannot live my life being terrified to look up.


12 Responses to “Tall, Thin, Blond-Haired, Pale-Skinned Man Phobia”

  1. yalandarose Says:

    a good cure is probably just time. i divorced last year and as my divorce atty said my heart just needs to thaw. but for now i am enjoying the peace with just my daughter and i

    • Jet Says:

      I’m glad that you’re enjoying the peace. Hopefully you’re right about just needing time.

      • yalandarose Says:

        i suffered from post traumatic stress afterwards too, but eventually i was tired of allowing him to rob more of my life

      • Jet Says:

        When you posted this I wasn’t ready to hear it; now I understand. It’s like every ounce of my energy that focuses on him continues to grant him my possession. He continues to win. He remains in control to a certain extent. How did you work through it?

      • yalandarose Says:

        i began to realize that he controlled mainly through his words by putting me down and i had no self esteem by the time that i left. i stopped associating with negative people including my family and began making friends with a few positive people, and i had to make myself believe the positive things they said about me because i never heard it before. i also started focusing on what God Wanted from me and not some dude who never respected me in the first place. i started trying new things that i always wanted to do when i was married and learned alot about my strengths and weaknesses. i got tired of the emotional bullying and when we do have to speak, i cut it short instead of listening to the trash. one of my friends told me that my ex worked so hard to put me down because he didn’t want me to realize he needed me more than i needed him, and if can only be happy by making someone else miserable, i am starting to see just how true that is. it’s a day by day process but in a year, you will see how far you’ve come!

      • Jet Says:

        Those are great strategies. You are so strong to build yourself back up after suffering such horrible treatment. I feel as though parts of me will forever be broken, but you’re right, it is a process, and I need to give myself time. I cannot continue to allow him to hurt me. I won’t give up trying to rebuild my strength; I refuse to be defeated. Thank you 🙂

      • yalandarose Says:

        you will be ok, after awhile you will be mad at yourself for putting up with it for so long:) but you can always send a post if you need to talk!

  2. anewfreelife Says:

    It does eventually get better. It’s been 16 months for me. At first I panicked every time I caught a glimpse of a little red car. I would hyperventilate, the whole bit. Now, I glance, perhaps a little out of anxiety but more out of curiosity. It will come in waves, which, with time, get smaller with a shorter crest.

    • Jet Says:

      That’s good to know. I do not like this feeling, like I have no control every time I get a glimpse of his likeness. It’s overwhelming, debilitating even. It makes me feel so weak. I’ll just keep repeating “It does get better, eventually.” Thank you.

  3. bw Says:

    I’m sorry I didn’t realize this was serious judging from the pic of carey ewles. I posted how much I loved these types I apologize.

    I’m sorry you going through this it sounds like post traumatic stress syndrome which I also have. I hope it gets better for you.

    • Jet Says:

      I admit that I was taken aback by your first comment. I felt bad for deleting it, but it was too painful to look at, and for the first time since I started this blog I was unable to respond. I understand that blog posts tend to get scanned rather than read in depth a lot of the time and I couldn’t be too upset that someone saw the picture, skimmed the post, and commented about loving those types of guys. Hell, I may have made the same mistake at some point. I do appreciate your apology though 🙂 It has gotten a little better since that post.

  4. bw Says:

    So, how’s it been going lately? Are you getting better with the phobia?

    It’s so ironic that it’s this very type of men that are my savior from my own pts, (black men) Maybe there’s a common ground we’re not seeing.

    Unfortunately mine has gotten worse since i last posted here 😦

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