Sustainably Single Parenting

Making the most of life's journey alongside my three!!!

Unhealthy Obsessions August 10, 2012

Not a portion of my day goes by without my contemplating, nearly obsessing, about him. I wonder what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, if he’s thinking about me, if he’s eating properly, if he’s sleeping at night, if he misses me, if he’s thinking about our daughters and our unborn baby, if he’s sorry for what happened, if he’s trying to change.

A friend of mine tells me that my constant thinking of him is a way to keep him with me, to keep from being lonely. She tells me that I’ve kept him with me mentally as a way to keep from losing him completely. I think she’s on to something, because no matter how much I try to move past our relationship I find myself questioning: Does he still love me? Would he want me back?

I don’t maintain the fantasy of being a couple, but I still entertain the idea of being friends. I love him. I wonder if he hates me. I wonder what he is telling his family. I wonder if he is plotting to kill me. I miss the way he smells. Although everything I’ve learned from counseling tells me that I should have little hope for him coming to terms with the facts of our relationship admitting to being a batterer, I patiently await the day when we’ll be able to have a conversation.

It’s strange. For eight years before The Big Incident I had heard his voice every day. I had seen his face. I had touched his skin and shared his space. I was being mistreated, but he was with me. I am alone now, though not entirely without him. He possesses me with every motion from our growing baby in my uterus, there is nostalgia in every album, every moment with our daughters is a reminder of what I’d hoped would be, and everything I do is partially influenced by his absence.

I wonder how I’ll carry on without him. I know I’ll never love again. I wonder if he is already looking for a new companion. I’m certain that I no longer want to be with him, still it’s nearly impossible to let him go.

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12 Responses to “Unhealthy Obsessions”

  1. I understand how you are feeling right now. Every bedtime, I just want to bundle up my kids and go to my ex-husbands flat and crawl into bed next to him, just so I can sleep well. I guess we have just reached the point where we know we have to overcome that, it’s just so hard, every single minute.

    Sending you strength and hugs.

    K x

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you. You’re right; it’s always harder at night. I cannot help but to feel so unfamiliar in this new life. It’s hard to not give in to my craving/longing for him, but I have been down that road before, and it only makes it harder to break away again.

      He’s like a drug, and I am finally weaning myself. But I quit cold turkey, and not having those “I know I’m nearing my last time” encounters has made things almost unbearable. I know that I have to stay strong…as you said, “we have just reached the point where we know we have to overcome that, it’s just so hard, every single minute.”

  2. Teresa Cleveland Wendel Says:

    You’re a Wonder Woman. You can do it.

  3. juliamadrazo1 Says:

    You can do it. You can do anything you want. I know it sounds cliche but give yourself some time. It’s really brave of you to write about what you’re feeling right now. As moms, we’re all programmed to focus on being strong that people tend to forget we have moments of like these. Thank you for sharing…

    • Jet Says:

      I didn’t feel brave, I felt pathetic, but it helps to admit that I cannot just move on and forget everything (especially when the bad stops happening and I remember all of the good things). You’re right, it’s so hard to show people that we’re less than perfect, strong, and capable of handling it all. Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. these are totally normal feelings. it is a process of grief that you are going through. it is easier to miss him than it is to feel the trauma of the betrayal, fear and pain he put you through. so you will return to those sad feelings. you will long for him. but it will get easier with time. remind yourself again and again that the man you are longing for is in truth a fantasy. he is parts of the man you were with, the good parts that you cling to and build up in your mind. but in reality, he is more than that, he is also violent and cruel. you deserve better. so do your beautiful children. i promise you that it will get easier with time and that you will be able to love again, no matter how impossible that seems. give yourself time to grieve. i’m proud of you.

    • Jet Says:

      Thank you. It is so difficult to grieve, but you are right about it getting better with time. Just three months ago I did not think I would make I would make it this far without caving in, calling him, and begging him to come home. I don’t know why I haven’t cried…I am not really a crier, but I thought I’d have cried a lot by now. I haven’t figured that part out. Maybe it would seem too final? My counselor says the same thing, about my longing for him being part memory part fantasy. I find my feelings so hard to untangle as so much of our relationship was my reliance on fantasizing that things would someday be…better.

      I tend to block out painful memories, which is why I allowed so many episodes of abuse to be pushed under the rug throughout my time with him. When they surface I still have a hard time facing them; I tend to want them to go away as quickly and surreptitiously as they came, but I think that a part of moving forward might be accepting the truth of looking back, It was not a healthy relationship. I did not leave without reason. I need to let go.

      I still don’t think that I will ever love again, but…that’s part grief and part vow to never put my children through the imbalance of me dating (I could not do that to them as I grew up experiencing the turmoil of my mother being with different men). I don’t know…maybe I have never really been in love to begin with. I love him, but that was not “love”.

  5. I experience “the incident” as well. Although, I do not know the details of your incident, mine was unforgettable. I have spent the last seven years trying to come to terms with “the incident” and trying to detach my feelings from this person. We were married for 10 years and I truly loved him and probably always will in some sick kind of way. He stalked me for years, invaded my privacy and tore any sense of security away from me. He demeaned me, stripped any kind of self confident away and left me alone and terrified. It is amazing how someone who is supposed to love you hurts you the most. Our troubles began the night of our wedding, his true character revealed. I wish I could tell you that you would forget him as time passes, that your desire to be near him and touch him would diminish, but for me, it is still a struggle. I have since remarried and love my husband more than anything and he is very good to me, but very different than my ex-husband. As much as I hate thinking about my ex, it happens everyday. Every time someone raises their voice, I watch a violent television show or movie, when I smell something that reminds me of him, or sometimes it is just the small things, takes my mind back to my past; a past that I wish was not a part of me. I have been in therapy for years trying to help me deal with all the feelings of fear, disappointment, anger, love, and dealing with all the memories. There are days that I wish I could just call him up and :”just see him one more time” but I have to be strong and move on.

    I am sure it is even harder for you with being pregnant and having his children. I am sending you positive thoughts and wish you well.

    Just remember — we are survivors!

    • Jet Says:

      I know what you mean when you say ” I truly loved him and probably always will in some sick kind of way.” One would think that after these incidents, after this abuse, we would rid our hearts of anything left resembling love for these cruel men, but it just doesn’t happen that way. I do still love him, and I always will, and I think that hurts more than being able to hate him.

      I am so sorry for what you went through. I’m happy for you too, that you’re remarried and you have someone who treats you with respect, that’s a great thing! The memories though, I’d hoped they would decrease; I’d hoped that someday I wouldn’t crave his presence and wish things could be different. For so long I dealt with the bad in our relationship for this exact reason, being without him is its own form of suffering.

      Thank you for the positive energy, the well wishes, and the reminder. It does help to hear, because though I know deep down I am doing what’s better…it feels so horrible, and it is such a lonesome road to being okay again.

  6. I know that you feel lonely right now, but with time that will change too. You will learn more about yourself and become a stronger, better person. You will have feelings that you never imagined possible. You have have thoughts that are your own and no one else. When you find freedom, that is when the healing begins. A time when you don’t need him anymore to live a happy, care-free life. You will eventually make peace with it all.
    Please consider joining a support group or friends that have experienced abuse and lean on them for support. In times of loneliness and sadness it is good to have a shoulder to cry on and someone who understands. If you ever need anything, please feel free to contact me at daniellecoots@yahoo.com. You are never alone.

    Take care.

    • Jet Says:

      I really hope that time will change the loneliness; it’s overwhelming to imagine that the rest of my life will be spent feeling so empty, being so weak. It’s difficult, but I do look forward to knowing peace.

      I recently joined a new support group (I began going to one a few weeks after The Big Incident, but it lost funding in August and I hadn’t found another until a few weeks ago), it is helping somewhat, but it’s very different from my old group. I also have my first appointment with a new therapist next week so I’m crossing my fingers that it goes well. I won’t give up…I need to allow myself to heal.

      You’re so kind to give me your email address; thank you so much!


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